Eyes on the Prize

Who you calling humble?

I don't often cheer out loud except for the Yankees or MSU basketball, but Kamala Harris' response while being interviewed by Alex Cooper Sunday on Call Her Daddy, to Sara Huckabee Sanders attempted put down of 'childless women’ (and not childless men, it must be noted) made me yelp in the way my father used to when the Cubs would occasionally win. 

Because she said out loud and proud, for all to hear: "There are a lot of women out here who are not aspiring to be humble."

Amen, sister. In other words, I shall not be humbled, and neither shall the women I seek to represent. 

She also said, "I don’t think she” (Sanders) “understands, there are a lot of women out here who have a lot of love in their life, family in their life and children in their life, and I think it's really important for women to lift each other up."

These are all themes and realities I have lived and written about for decades. And so I find it incredibly inspiring that our presidential candidate is so articulate and dignified on this topic. 

To mark the occasion I am reposting an article written for this space 3 years ago, about how ambition is nothing to apologize for. May all of us sit in our power as comfortably as our current vice president does! 

Original Post, November 10, 2021: Eyes on the Prize

One of the most frequent questions women ask me is: How can I talk about my achievements without anyone thinking I’m arrogant or overly ambitious? 

My answer is always: you probably can’t. Someone out there may think that. But you shouldn’t waste your energy trying to manage everyone’s impressions.

Your job is to be as clear as you possibly can about your contributions so that others have the information they need to move ahead. And to make sure that your good work does not get overlooked because you were so concerned with how you might come across that you failed to bring attention to your contributions.

The point here is not to minimize the importance of how others perceive us or to say that what others think doesn’t matter. But honestly, women often spend so much time endeavoring to frame what they say in a pleasing way that they hardly need advice about how to show or cultivate concern. 

The danger is quite the opposite: if you elevate concern for how you strike others above all else, you risk demoting- or derailing-  the very goals you want to accomplish. 

Note to self: Keep your eyes on the prize. 

In other words, your goals should be your first order of business, your obsession, your main concern. Not what others think of you. 

That word, concern: Steven Covey wrote about it in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. 

He says that when we fail to align our circle of concern (what we care about) with our circle of influence (what we can control), we undermine our ability to accomplish what we want to get done. 

We spin our wheels, grind our gears, waste our energy on things we can’t budge. For women in particular this often manifests as rumination.

I have often talked about how my heroine and mentor, Frances Hesselbein, consistently commands the respect and even the reverence of predominantly male groups, including corporate directors and West Point officers–– despite her soft spokenness, notable age, feminine demeanor and small physical stature. 

Why do such groups- largely male, sometimes even macho- hang on her every word? Is she just lucky? No. Is she brilliant and talented? Yes.  But more importantly, she is totally invested in her purpose in every situation. This enables her to be clear about who she is and why she’s there.

Being focused on what she intends to achieve, she does not stew about what others think, something she knows lies outside her control. Her level of focus is contagious, so she manages to exert influence even over those who might have come into her orbit with their biases intact. Their biases don’t vanish, but they are disarmed.

Mission accomplished, I’d say. 

So, while I have empathy for anyone asking how to avoid seeming arrogant or aggressive, I would point out that this question does not necessarily serve their interests. A better question might be, why am I so concerned with what others think of me? 

Or better yet: what do I need to do right now to accomplish my goals? 

Like what you’re reading? Click here to order my most recent book Rising Together, or How Women Rise, both are available from Amazon or from your favorite bookseller.