The To-Don't List

On a glorious late June Sunday, my to-do list feels oppressive. Not just Monday’s list, but Sunday’s too. As so often, the irritating chores and unreturned emails that pile up during the week have gotten pushed to the weekend. So I’m left with the choice between over-scheduling a busy Monday or bailing on my plans for a swim and lunch with friends.

But as I trudge resentfully through the first few items on my list, I’m struck with an inspiration. Why not take my own advice and create a to-don’t list so I can lighten my load?

For years, I’ve been advising others to do this, in workshops, in articles, and in How Women Rise. Writing that book made me realize that, as useful as a to-don’t list can be early in our careers, its importance only escalates as we move forward to assume ever-greater responsibilities. 

That’s when we need to be most intentional about avoiding or handing off activities that eat up our time or offer minimal reward. That’s when being over-scheduled is most likely to eat away at our capacity to remain engaged, focused and fully alive. Instead, we begin to feel as if our primary purpose in life is meeting the continually expanding list of demands that our to-do list seems to impose.

The problem is that many of us tend to be diligent about bringing intentionality to what we want to do: I’m going to publish that article, I’m going to apply for that new position, I’m going to get my daughter into that summer robotics course. But we’re rarely as as skilled at not committing to those things we should probably avoid. We view avoidance as unprofessional. Or it makes us feel guilty.

For example, say we’re blindsided by a sudden request to host a party for a colleague during a week we already know will be busy. We agree because we want to be a nice person, and the time commitment seems fairly minimal. So we tell ourselves it’s no big deal and might even be a nice break for us.

But then a routine work deadline gets moved ahead, or a family member has a medical emergency, or our assistant informs us out of the blue that she has to move out of her house on Friday and will need to take a few days off.

Suddenly, we feel overwhelmed or resentful. Why did we say yes to our colleague’s request? Why are we always such a pushover?

But the problem isn’t being a pushover. It’s not having any routine way to assess what we should avoid taking on. That’s where the to-don’t list can be invaluable. 

Items on the list can be big or small. But they will be most effective if they describe specific actions. 

Here are a few ideas I’ve picked up from people who have participated in my workshops over the years. Most often women, but men as well.

• I will let go of immediately saying yes or no to requests instead of taking a day to think them over

• I will let go of trying to win over colleagues who don’t seem to respect my time

• I will let go of trying to schedule every minute 

• I will let go of impulse buying, which often results in my having to return items I never wanted in the first place

• I will let go of feeling I need to give my kids over-the-top birthday parties just because my neighbors do so

Jeri, a communications consultant in Denver, described a workshop in which I asked participants to write to-don’t lists as a real turning point for her as a business owner.

“As my business took off, I kept adding things to do without considering that I should also be taking things off. But soon I was so over-scheduled that I began to feel that the business I’d dreamed of running was actually running me. Creating a weekly to-don’t list gave me a way out of this swamp. Best of all, it changed my thinking. Now I’m constantly on the lookout for things not to do, like scheduling new staff meetings or volunteering to pack lunches for my son’s entire little league team.

“These days, if someone asks me to do something that my gut tells me may not work for me, I simply say, Sorry, but that’s on my to-don’t list.”

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