His words resonated because they sum up precisely the qualities I’ve observed to be of greatest benefit women seeking to position themselves as leaders– of organizations, teams, or communities. They are the skills I seek to coax forth in clients and participants in both my women’s leadership programs and my coaching.
Let’s look at each of these in turn.
Confident. We are most likely to feel confident when we’re sure of what we have to contribute and what we’ve contributed in the past, and able to articulate both in a clear and persuasive manner. Confidence is also rooted in the ability to avoid being distracted by concerns with what others might think because we trust our message and are clear about our mission. As a result, we don’t try to over-manage peoples’ perceptions.
Confidence is probably the key leadership strength because it’s grounded in our capacity to trust ourselves. A prerequisite if others are to trust us.
Direct. Others perceive us as direct when we don’t try to qualify or fudge what we have to say, either because we’re not sure what we think or because we don’t want to come off as arrogant or aggressive. Many women get criticized for being direct, for coming on too strong, often because their listeners are unaccustomed to women simply stating their case. As a result, we make adjustments and soften what we say, only to get dismissed for being meek and indirect. This is the classic double bind.
Being direct is the mark of a leader because it demonstrates that we are fearless. And fearless leaders, as opposed to those who are either timid or reckless, make others feel safe. This is essential for motivating and engaging talented people, freeing them to be productive and creative.
Unapologetic. Despite growing awareness that over-apologizing does not serve us, many women still do so habitually. We apologize for things that don’t matter: “Sorry I’m late!” when it’s only a few minutes. We apologize for things that are not our fault: “I’m sorry that the building (or your coffee) is cold.” I’ve seen women say they’re sorry when they open the door, almost as a form of greeting. And then apologize as they take their chair, as if they should really be content to stand.
Habitually apologizing suggests chronic uncertainty about our right to a seat at the table, which can make others question whether we really belong. Most people who hear us doing this feel compelled to provide reassurance– “that’s okay, don’t worry about it, no problem.” But others become irritated, experiencing endless apologies are a drag. Most importantly, apologizing for what doesn’t matter diminishes the value of apologies that are truly owed.
Empathetic. The ability to intuit and reflect what others have experienced is a gift that women have honed for millennia in their private domestic lives, and which they only recently brought into the public sphere. This does not mean that men lack empathy, but rather that it was not viewed as especially desirable or even spoken about until women began entering the public sphere en masse.
Times have changed. Leaders today benefit enormously from freely displaying empathic power, which demonstrates that we’re comfortable with others and eager to win their confidence and trust.
Not over-explaining. The habit of being concise, of saying your piece and leaving it at that, displays confidence that your words will have impact. It’s especially important for leaders, whose words tend to be scrutinized for hidden meanings. Clarity is never served by a cascade of words, yet women are often tempted to share a lot of background and detail in an effort to be credible to those who may doubt them. It often has the opposite effect.
Being concise takes preparation, thinking through exactly what we mean to say and then putting it out there in as few words as we can. It takes rehearsal, so we can avoid the ahs and uhms that suggest we don’t trust ourselves or that make us seem tentative even when we’re not.
By demonstrating each of these qualities in her much-anticipated CNN interview, Kamala Harris showed her capacity to balance toughness with warmth. She may not have satisfied critics who insisted she address a lot of policy specifics (no doubt they would have chastised her for getting too deep in the weeds). But she certainly managed to show what a woman leader looks like.
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