What trips you up?

Finding a simple workaround when things throw you off

Lately, some ideas from Rising Together have been stirring a lot of interest. When I do podcasts, which is often, the host frequently starts things off by saying, “tell us about the triggers.”

Triggers are something I cover extensively in the book, which focuses on the larger question of how to build effective relationships with people we may perceive as different from ourselves–– an essential skill given the diversity of today’s workplace. I share a lot of pragmatic inclusive behaviors in the book, but also look at the triggers most likely undermine our best intentions. These triggers include what we perceive to be fair (or not fair), how we build networks, how we communicate, how we position ourselves to be visible, how we use humor, and how we convey confidence. 

Triggers, at their essence, are situations, people or comments that provoke an emotional response in us. A response that can keep us from acting as our best selves. 

Triggers can be especially active in diverse workplaces because people bring a huge variety of experiences, values and expectations with them to their jobs. The essential thing to recognize is that, since we are triggered by things that lie outside ourselves, we cannot control them. They are environmental. Which is why the quest for “safe spaces” can lead us astray. In a sense, no place is safe.

In addition, triggers can be hard to address because our emotional responses happen in the moment, yet they tend to be rooted in past experiences.

This does not mean the situation is hopeless. Far from it.

In my experience, the most effective way to respond to triggers is to carefully examine the story we tell ourselves in order to put what just happened into some kind of context.

Say we feel blindsided when a colleague gets the promotion we expected would be ours. Because it’s so uncomfortable to sit with that disappointment, we immediately start spinning a narrative to explain why it happened:

• Men always get the promotions.

• This company’s so focused on promoting women that man can’t get a break.

• My boss has no understanding of what younger people contribute.

These narratives may or may not be accurate, may or may not reflect all the reasons we did not get the job we expected. But whatever their truth, these stories do not serve us. They keep us stuck, for several reasons:

• They rely on generalizations and stereotypes and so reinforce any biases we may have

• They tempt us to bond with others we assume are in a similar position and thus to build networks based on negativity

• They confirm our right to feel aggrieved 

• They give us no pathway to positive action

It’s important to recognize that, while triggers themselves lie outside our control, the stories we tell ourselves do not. This is why devising a fresh and positive narrative is the simplest and most effective means I know for creating conditions that enable us to respond with strength.

Next week I’ll be sharing some methods for how to do so.

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