You Can't Give It Away

Or rather, you shouldn't

Last week, my friend and colleague Ruth Gotian sent a note to the women in our 100 Coaches network. She wanted to know how we respond when someone says, “I’d love to pick your brain.”

She was not referring to personal requests, from a friend, a niece, or a student. She was interested in how we handle it professionally, especially when a potential client, or a colleague we don’t really know, pops the question.

It can feel uncomfortable, especially if the request comes out of the blue. Leave aside that the image of someone actually picking our brain is vividly unpleasant: my own instinctive response is often, “That sounds like it would hurt!” But it’s also a turnoff because we’re usually unclear what the person making the request actually wants or why they want to know.  

Are they seeking advice about a project they’re putting together and want to learn from our experience? If so, will they be selling the project? Or are they hoping to present it to their organization? Are they specifically interested in what we have to say, or are they casting the net more broadly?

These questions matter because we need a clear sense of what we might be getting into so we can make a decision that protects our time and respects our boundaries. 

Usually, pick-your-brain requests arrive because we’ve built up expertise in a specific area. For example, in our 100 Coaches Network we are authors, consultants, and coaches. Most of us work in leadership development, and most of us run our own businesses. Some have academic affiliations, others do not.

So a majority of the unsolicited queries we receive are either from people looking for career-related coaching advice or from executives who want to learn more about our programs and processes, often in detail.

I get these questions all the time, mostly via email or Linked In messages. Often the person writing asks to schedule a quick call. I try to minimize calls and Zooms, so I always request they write out their question and email it to me. 

If they’re looking for career advice and it’s something I can answer in less than 10 minutes or so, I usually do. If it requires more time, I generally suggest they try to find a coach if they have the budget, or establish a peer coaching relationship with a colleague if they don’t, and that they use their question as a starting point. For peer coaching, I refer to the specific sections in How Women Rise and Rising Together where I lay out this useful process, one that I have used myself for years.

My goal is to be positive and helpful without becoming enmeshed.

When the request comes from an executive who I believe might be a potential client, it’s a bit trickier. Is the person writing seeking to hire me, or are they looking to set up an internal program of their own and interested in learning how I do things? I like to be helpful because I believe effective women’s leadership programs make the world a better place. But I don’t want to give away the expertise I’ve spent decades developing to an organization that could easily bring me in as a consultant.  

Before I invest my time, I need to get the lay of the land.

Doing this has not come easily to me. Like many women, I used to avoid asking clarifying questions because I assumed I had to establish a strong relationship with a potential client before I got to the business part. So I spent a lot of time answering detailed questions about my work on the theory that doing so would increase the likelihood of my being offered a juicy contract.

But this approach routinely failed. Over time, I began to realize that my eagerness to be obliging was probably sending the message that my time was not that worth that much.

Now whenever I'm tempted to immediately answer their questions, I bear in mind the response Jim Baker gave to a reporter when he was George H. W. Bush's Chief of Staff during the first Desert Storm. 

The reporter mentioned he'd heard that Melvin Laird, who served as Nixon's Secretary of Defense, was advising Bush's team.

Baker paused, then responded in his slow Texas drawl, "Yes, we've been talking to old Mel. And we value his advice just as much as we're paying him for it."

In other words, not at all.

Like what you’re reading? Click here to order my most recent book Rising Together, or How Women Rise, both are available from Amazon or from your favorite bookseller.